BetterHealthBytes.com - Volume 3-Issue 52

To build greater satisfaction in your relationships, the most important thing you can do is to create a secure foundation. As you fortify the structure upon which everything else rests, all the rest of the relationship will be affected in a positive way.

You could use the metaphor of a tall building to think about a relationship. If the foundation is insecure and the teacups are rattling on the top floor, all the attention in the world to the teacups isn't going to address the problem. Instead, what will take care of it is to shore up the substructure upon which that top floor depends for its stability.

So how to go about strengthening the foundation? Here are some reminders we can all use:

1. Make sure you have chosen the relationship. If you haven't, you can revisit that now and decide to be in it. If you determine that you really don't want to be in it, then accept that fact. The relationship may still continue for various reasons outside your control, but accepting that truth will strengthen its foundation anyway, because you have changed from a false premise to a true one. In doing so, you are in a position to decide to make the best of it, and that's a powerful place to be in.

2. The most satisfying relationships are ones in which the parties concerned interact not just from the surface of their lives, but also from the deeper core of who they are and what they are about. This creates greater and greater emotional satisfaction in both parties. In any relationship you'd like to deepen, you can start by listening for clues from the other person about these deeper motivations, and then validate them. And you can share something from the deeper part of yourself - something you haven't disclosed as of yet.

3. Strong emotional bonds and emotional connections are the very stuff of which satisfying relationships are made. To strengthen this emotional foundation, take a small risk and reveal some of your deeper feelings, concerns, hopes and dreams. Encourage the other person to do so also. Note, though, don't 'hit the other person over the head' with the intensity of your emotions. The idea is for each of you to be able to reveal and impart these emotional states to each other in an open way.

4. Blame, defensiveness, emotional distance and unavailability, criticism, contempt and stonewalling are the exact opposite of relationships that are satisfying. That's why it's well worth it to take a long, hard look at whether you're doing any of it. If so, moving over to positive, affirming, validating, supportive, encouraging, compassionate responses will work miracles.

5. Remember that neither party has an exclusive right to have needs. So make certain you're not dominating the relationships with your needs, and neither are you allowing the other party to dominate it with theirs.

6. Do not compete with the other person's needs and feelings. If you do, you will quickly close off the emotional connection that makes for greater satisfaction. Never greet their need or feeling with a greater one of your own. Relationships are not a contest. If you 'win' and get to have yours while effectively shutting off the other person, you will defeat your goal of increasing satisfaction for you both. Responding with interest, compassion and concern will create far better results in the satisfaction department. However, the other person may insist on always being the 'one' to have needs and feelings, and might not be willing to return the favor - ever. If you find that to be true, you may want to return to step one above and reconsider your choice to participate.

Each of these reminders is a simple thing you can implement yourself. And as you do, you will be influencing your relationships away from negativity, difficulty and uncertainty, and into to greater security, satisfaction and joy.